She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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