You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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