I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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