the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
