My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
