the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
4 words: hood of his car
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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