You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
