so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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