there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
