i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
