I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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