the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
