do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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