Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
