yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
