So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
