when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
