I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
