last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
