fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
