Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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