some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
