I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
