Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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