Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
