im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
