I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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