lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
