Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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