What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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