Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
