i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
