Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
