these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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