I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
