tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
