One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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