matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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