Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
