can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
