I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
