I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
