I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He passed out mid-signature
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
