The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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