why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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