And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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