I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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