the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
