LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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