In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
